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Tuesday, January 13, 2009

Quick Movie Reviews (2009): Volume One

And, to start off the new year in movie reviews, I've got the first volume of my quick movie reviews feature! Enjoy!

Aliens vs. Predator 2
Pros: It's aliens and predators in the same movie. That's all I've got. Seriously.
Cons: Crappy story, crappy use of franchise characters, crappy acting, crappy everything. Basically the only thing that went right for this one was the first three things in the title: Aliens vs. Predator. The "2" is even a bad thing in this one.
Rating: 1/5

House Bunny
Pros: Entertaining for stupid people.
Cons: Vapid, vacuous, pointless. You could choose a number of words to describe this piece of trash. It's not funny, it's poorly put together, poorly acted, and it made me lose respect for a lot of actors/actresses I actually liked. At least when Colin Hanks was in Orange County it was funny. I hope this isn't an example of the dying out of one's career, because I happen to like Colin Hanks, and Anna Faris.
Rating: 1/5

Babylon A.D. (theatrical version)
Pros: A really fascinating idea set in a twisted and equally fascinating world. Great cast and beautiful special effects. Entertaining and interesting.
Cons: The studio forced them to cut the hell out of this could-have-been-brilliant SF film. The ending shows you where they hit it the hardest. Some of the action in it is somewhat pointless and I think this film could have done with another 45 minutes of showing us this frakked up future Earth. The most important things were left out, which failed to give a good foundation of the rules of this imagined future.
Rating: 2.5/5

Mutant Chronicles
Pros: The trailer was really cool and the visuals are stunning. A good idea--an alternate timeline where humans have broken off into huge factions at constant war with one another over resources accidentally unleash a trapped, wicked machine from long ago.
Cons: Bad acting and way too much exposition in the first 30 minutes (we don't find out who the heroes on until about 25 minutes in and by then we don't give a crap). Watching Ron Perlman attempt to be an Irish priest (at least I think it's Irish) was like trying to watch Michael Jackson act normal. The makers of this movie took a neat idea and then ran all over the place with it, making it seem like they didn't know what kind of film they wanted to make. Biggest disappointment of 2008.
Rating: 1/5

Quantum of Solace
Pros: Entertaining, violent, and somewhat dark. I like the direction they are going with this and Daniel Craig is an interesting Bond. Of course, if you pay closer attention to the movie it's a clear visualization of colonial authority as directed by the "company." American Imperialism at its best, I'm sure. The bad guy wasn't as creepy this time around.
Cons: Not as solid as the first Craig incarnation. It lacked some depth to bring all the characters into focus (the new ones, that is).
Rating: 3/5

There you go!

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  1. Anonymous3:39 AM

    You already reviewed Quantum of Solace ....

  2. No, George reviewed Quantum of Solace. I haven't reviewed it yet :P.

  3. Anonymous6:25 AM

    Uh oh. Then I ranted at George ... Tell him I'm sorry. :p