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Monday, December 24, 2007

Shaun's Quick Steps to Surviving Zombies!

Yes, I realize there is a book on this subject, but I figure a nice, quick list can do some good here. After all, I've been planning my life around the creation of zombies for a long time. OK, that last bit isn't really true, but I do think about it and I know what I'm going to do. So here are the steps:
  1. Arm yourself. The first thing you always do is arm yourself. Never walk anywhere, drive anywhere, or even fall down anywhere without a weapon. If you can't find a gun in your immediate vicinity, get a large, heavy, blunt object (a sturdy golf club works, or even a towel hanger--bats, clubs, and the like work too). This is the precursor to everything else. You cannot survive zombies if you can't defend yourself. Take all your nails, hammers, screwdrivers, screws, and any other relevant hardware, including rope. If you don't have these things, steal them from next door. If they don't have them, then you're screwed. Sorry, you can't even barricade yourself in your home without nails and a hammer. My advice is to hide and take a lot of sleeping pills so you don't wake up. The zombies will get you eventually. Or, well, plan better next time.
  2. The biggest rule of all: regardless of the type of zombies you are dealing with, if you have to fight, hit them in the head. Always. Period. If you have a gun, DO NOT shoot them in the chest or the leg and think they will stop. No, go for the head. It saves bullets and energy.
  3. Get in your car and take your family and any living neighbors with you. This is crucial. If you want to survive, you need reliable people with you.
  4. If anyone you encounter is bitten, shoot them. This sounds cruel, but the infection travels through bites, exposure to infected blood, saliva, and yes, even other fluids--it's an STD too. If you absolutely must take someone who is infected with you, keep a close eye on them and the second they die, or seem to have died, shoot them or hit them in the head. The first rule of surviving this is realizing that people who have become zombies are no longer the people you once knew. Your zombie mother is not your mother. It's an evil demon using your mother as a carrier for its sickness.
  5. Once in your car and with those you trust who aren't infected, drive and do not stop. Again, this sounds cruel, but one huge mistake you can do in your survival is stopping for people you don't know. They could be infected, or stopping could ruin your ability to do the next steps.
  6. Go to a gun store or anywhere you think there will be guns. Gun stores are best because they carry a wide range of weapons and ammo. Take everything you can. Everyone should have a rifle, a sidearm, an extra sidearm, and then another sidearm, and ammo for all of them. Shotguns are good, high powered rifles are good, but basically anything that has the potential to break through a human skull works. Automatic weapons are best, if you can find them. You need more ammo than you do guns, so make sure you take more ammo than seems necessary.
  7. Leave the gun store and don't linger. If zombies are about, you can't risk sitting around shooting them. Get in your car and move. There is no time for revenge here.
  8. Find a supermarket. Steps 6 and 7 can be skipped if you have one of those super stores that has everything (i.e. Walmart).
  9. Take over the supermarket. Sweep the entire place, lock all the doors, clear out anyone inside that is infected or a zombie, and take it over.
  10. Barricade all the windows, doors, etc. If you think you had done a good job, you haven't. Supermarkets have a lot of shelfs, metal, etc. All this should be used to get all those windows barricaded and the same goes for doors. Do it more than you think is necessary.
  11. Provisions. The hardest part. You've got yourself a supermarket. Congrats. But you're not over the hump yet. Zombie infestations can last days, weeks, months, even years. You have to be prepared. First things first. Eat only produce and foods that require refrigeration first. Leave all the canned goods alone. You'll need those canned goods. This is the time to have your last really good meals because, well, there's a lot of food in there, and if the power goes out, well all that produce and meat goes bad. Enjoy it while you can. This might be the last bit of fresh food you'll have for a while.
    While you're enjoying this, find the second in the supermarket where there are seeds. A lot of supermarkets have potting soil and the like. Get all this and hoist up some stuff to help you plant things. Start planting anything and everything you can on the roof that is edible. Plant all of it and don't screw up. Your life depends on it.
    Next, water. There is bound to be a lot of bottled stuff in a super market, but you can't rely on that as a valid source, and fresh water is always better anyway. Find all the buckets, etc. and put them up on the roof where there is room. These will be used to catch rain water. They'll be beneficial in the long run to provide fresh water to you when you need it.
    Congrats, if you've done all the above, you're set! You can now survive. Just ration out the canned food and make sure everyone get only what they need and you're good to go.
  12. The last thing is this: be prepared for other people to figure out where you are. Be prepared to face the harsh decision to turn people away, or to kill people who are infected. If someone shows up and you decide to bring them in, check them thoroughly. That means a full naked check. They might not appreciate this gesture, but if one of them has been bitten you will be glad for the small bout of rude behavior. People who are infected should be given these options:
    a) Turn around an never show up here again.
    b) No choice at all. Shoot them. Your survival depends on keeping the infection out.
And that's that! Hope you all have a Merry Christmas, or a happy holidays for those of you that don't celebrate Christmas, and I'll see you on the 26th!

Take care and best wishes to everyone and thanks to all of you who have commented or shown up so far this year!

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2 comments:

  1. Imedla11:35 AM

    I can't believe you posted this on Christmas Day ...

    ReplyDelete
  2. I didn't! I posted it on Christmas Eve :P
    People should be prepared :P.

    ReplyDelete